


H. A. H. A.

by EndoratheWitch



Series: Gotham Nights [34]
Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Batman: Arkham - All Media Types, Batman: The Animated Series, Batman: The Dark Prince Charming (Comics), Suicide Squad (2016)
Genre: Bob - Freeform, Bruce Wayne is Batman, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Gadgets, Hilarious Assault Hindrance Apparatuses, Jarley - Freeform, Knives, Mythbusters - Freeform, Sex, Shooting Guns, Toys, expendable goons, murderous clowns, nonabusive Joker and Harley Quinn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-20
Updated: 2020-09-20
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:40:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26556745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EndoratheWitch/pseuds/EndoratheWitch
Summary: Joker decides he wants some toys like Batman.
Relationships: Joker (DCU)/Harleen Quinzel
Series: Gotham Nights [34]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/551110
Comments: 8
Kudos: 22





	H. A. H. A.

Humming as she moved, Harley came dancing into Joker’s workroom/lab. She wore nothing at all but a sheer red nightgown and carried a bottle of wine with two wine glasses. She grinned when she entered the room as she saw Joker was sitting at his desk, wadded balls of paper everywhere, some paper stuck on the wall around him with knives, darts, nails, and the occasional tack. He was wearing purple and white striped slacks, a burnt orange dress shirt, green and yellow suspenders, and a pair of yellow and green polka dotted socks. His feet were crossed at the ankles, the sleeves of his shirt rolled up to his elbows. One hand was buried in his hair as he leaned on his elbow, his pencil hovering over the paper on the desk. 

He looked annoyed, which was why Harley was here to cheer him up. 

“Puddin...puddin!” Harley called out. 

Joker sighed, rolling his eyes, feeling a flash of irritation and turned toward her, only to halt the annoyed words that were on his lips when he saw her, her shapely figure visible through the sheer, short red nightie she wore. And she had nothing on underneath he noticed. Her long, blonde hair cascaded down along her shoulders, the thick tresses looked ripe for running his fingers through and grabbing hold of. Her lips were glistening and pink, her smile simple perfection and she had her bedroom eyes on, the light blue glowing softly, surrounded by thick, dark lashes. 

His physical response at seeing her was immediate and his mental response wasn’t too far behind.. 

Harley giggled playfully holding up the wine bottle and the two glasses. “Feel like revving up your Harley puddin?” She wiggled a little to emphasize the riding part. “Vroom Vroom! It’ll help clear all those old, nasty cobwebs out of your mind so you can think clearer, I promise.” She smiled brightly and gave him a saucy wink. 

The slight annoyance he had felt only lasted a second. He could never be annoyed with Harley. She was just doing what she could to help him relax and think. 

“I might be persuaded…” He pushed himself back from his desk and spun around in his chair, pulling his legs up as the chair did a complete turn before he stopped it by putting his feet down, grinning ear to ear and facing her. 

Harley gave him a coy smile. “What kind of persuasion do you need puddin?” 

Moving with purpose, slinking across the space between them, Harley carefully set the bottle and glasses down on his desk (safely off his plans) before she slowly pulled herself to straddle his lap. Her knees slipped into place on either side of his hips, her hands on the arms of the office chair. 

Joker leaned back, his hands coming to rest on her waist, head back against the chair, and grinned up at her. “Now...let’s see what I can do to persuade you,” Harley purred and began to rub herself against him, slowly without a lot of pressure, just enough to make him squirm. 

“You are a naughty girl,” Joker whispered back before reaching out with his lips to brush against her nipples, firm and perky under the thin fabric of her nightie. “Naughty, naughty girl…” he purred as he brushed his lips, then his nose against her nipples. Harley made soft little gasps, rubbing herself a little firmer against the bulge in his slacks. 

Licking her lips, Harley ran her fingers slowly through his hair, forcing his head back at the same time. 

“I am a very naughty girl. You want to punish me?” she asked with a playful smile as she gazed into his blue eyes then added in a sultry whisper. “Daddy…” 

Eyes brightening, his smile turning into a smirk, Joker ran his hands under her nightie, enjoyed the feel of her soft, silky skin. He shuddered with pleasure. “Mm...punishments…” he murmured, pulling her closer. He inhaled deeply, letting her scent fill his nostrils. He hitched an eyebrow though as he looked up at her with a slight frown. “Daddy? Really sweets? How about something sexier like…” While he thought, Joker exhaled against her nipple, the thin fabric doing nothing to stop the warm tickle. “...my Man Mound, or Stud Muffin Man Meat, Big Daddy Hot Buns, Wielder of the Tan Banana! Master Flapdoodle, or Manly Master of the Pleasure Pump, Clown Seeking Moisture Missile...OH…” He gave her a squeeze and the sort of grin only someone who has something they think is the funniest thing ever as Joker said with a giggle. “I have it! Bed Wizard, Master of the Clown Meat Stick Kneemelter!!” 

She tried not to, but Harley started to snicker at Joker’s names. " Puddin, those are all terrible and far too much to say while I’m crying out in ecstasy.” 

Joker giggled pressing his nose between her breasts. “Mm...you’re probably right, all right my sweets--puddin and Daddy is fine…” 

Harley stroked her fingers through his hair, squeezing her breasts together. “Mm...I think puddin is the best term for my man.” 

“Whatever you say, my Harley…” 

Harley giggled rubbing herself harder against him. The texture of his slacks combined with the hard mound of his erection was a thrilling combination of sensations. She gripped the back of hair, pulling his head back so she could trace his red lips with her tongue while she thrust and ground against him, making him groan with want and pleasure. Joker’s hands glided up her sensual shape; he enjoyed the smooth shape of her curves. He arched his head, his lips parted slightly for another kiss. 

Catching his face in her hands, her thumbs tracing the lines of his cheekbones, Harley rubbed herself against him little harder yet, her mouthing coming down on his lips, her tongue sliding between his lips with a gentle groan. She continued to rub, arching her back slightly, thrusting her hips back and forth in a slow, sensual rhythm until she felt herself beginning to climb closer and closer… 

Groaning against her mouth, Joker pressed her down on him. He could feel the building tension in her and he encouraged her to use him, giving little thrusts upward of his pelvis. Harley pulled her mouth away from him, panting as she drew closer. She dropped her hands to his shoulders, dug her fingers in just before she arched her back, and cried out with an orgasm. 

Grinning, Joker’s hold on his wife tightened as he pressed her down on him. He watched her, face, every detail of her expression, the glistening damp on her lips, the way her entire body shuddered when she climaxed. 

There was nothing prettier in the world than seeing his Harley Quinn orgasm. 

He quickly reached down between them once she started to ease back down from her orgasm. His erection throbbed with the slight discomfort of holding back because Harley’s orgasm almost sent him over the edge himself. It was so difficult to hold back when she was making those noises, rubbing against him, and then her expression… 

No one appreciated just how strong a man he was, or just how firm his control was! He was stronger than Superman!! There should be a medal for this! The medal of God-like Control in the Face of a Sexy Harley Quinn Orgasming...or something like that! 

But he was done waiting. Joker reached between them and started to work at his slacks, though it was difficult with Harley on top of him. She shifted a little, pushing up on her knees to give her puddin more room to work. The angle was a little awkward and he had unfastened the button on his slacks, but the zipper wasn’t cooperating. 

Growling he shoved at the zipper, but it just wasn’t moving. He was trying not to get himself caught in the zipper while at the same time trying to get the zipper down… 

The entire position was awkward with Harley on his lap... it was becoming one of the trials of Hercules to get his damn zipper to cooperate, but then the moment before his frustration with the zipper was about to turn into anger, the zipper slid down!! He moved even more quickly to pull his erection free of his boxers. 

Harley made a little squeal of pleasure just before she slid down on him. 

For a moment then, both held their breath, each of them feeling that moment their bodies came together, a slow, wet, gooey joining. Joker jerked and shuddered with a low moan. “Harley…” 

Sucking in her breath, Harley shivered. Feeling him push into her, all the sweet combinations of sensation spread through her entire body. She rubbed her lips together, her hands on his shoulders opening and closing, grabbing hold of his shirt until she was sure she could move again. Thrusting and grinding at the same time, Harley’s movements made the chair squeak as Joker had to keep his feet firmly planted on the floor or see them topple over in the chair to go gliding across the floor. 

Joker spread his legs a bit giving himself a better purchase, his hands sliding down to her hips. He lifted her a little each time she rose up, his gaze focused on her face. 

Sliding her hands up his shoulders, along his neck, and to his back, Harley rode Joker. She ground against him hard, lifting up to thrust down again. She had planned on moving slowly, on dragging their lovemaking out a little, but now that she was on him, his cock deep inside her, holding back and slowing down was the farthest from her mind. 

Gathering her close, Joker pulled her in for a kiss, pressing her body close to him. He groaned and grunted with each bounce and thrust until he was sure some blood vessel somewhere was going to pop from the strain of him trying not to cum too soon!! Damn Harley and her beautiful, sexy body, and smile, and eyes!! Damn her, damn her!! He thought with a happy giggle. 

“Harley...uh...” Joker struggled to hold back, the rising pressure was killing him. Feeling and just hearing how wet she was...the feel of her body sliding up and down, the warm, squishy sound of their fucking…the scent of her skin and the warmth of her breath against his skin... 

He groaned loudly and deeply. Everything about his Harley Quinn was enough to drive him crazy. He tightened his hold on her and hissed passionately, her name laced with so many things he felt for her that he couldn’t find words for. “Harley…” 

Harley kissed him in response, a deep, passion filled kiss, filled with her lust and love for the clown inside her. Her lips and tongue moved slowly, sensually over his mouth even as her thrusts quickened. The building tension became too great, Harley arched her pelvis forward, pressing herself down hard at the same time that she climaxed. She groaned against Joker’s red lips the moment she came. 

Joker shuddered. The woman made a small sound between a groan and a soft scream. Combined with the warm increase in wetness between her legs, it was enough for him to lose control. With a sound somewhere between agonized moan and passionate groan, Joker orgasmed. 

The moment he came inside her, Harley jerked and shuddered. Joker’s moans of pleasure were the most sensual sound in the world she thought. Those sounds combined with the expression on his pale face, feeling his entire body tense then break free at the moment he climaxed inside her sent Harley spiraling into another orgasm. She couldn't breathe for a moment and her fingers grasped his shoulders so tightly she thought she might leave bruises. She rode his erection in quick little jerks of pleasure. Her orgasm hit its peak and just as quickly Harley suddenly became liquid on his lap. Harley sank down, dropping her head to his shoulder with a grunt. 

“Ugg.” 

Joker was quiet for only a moment, rubbing his fingertips lazily up and down her spine before he muttered. “Ugg?” 

Harley’s face was muffled against his shoulder and neck when she repeated, “Ugg.” 

“I’m not sure how I feel about ‘Ugg’ as a review.” He pouted, sticking out his red bottom lip. “Now if you were to say Wow! Maybe I would accept that...awesome...great, but Ugg…” He shook his head. “Ugg is not a vote of confidence sweets, sounds more like you got something on the bottom of your shoe.” 

“Ugg means I just had several great orgasms, orgasms so great that I can no longer form words or trust myself to stand up.” Harley added in a giggling whisper, “So it's an Ugg for me.” 

Joker thought about that for a moment then chuckled. “I like it, Ugg is my review too.” 

Giggling Harley lifted her head to grin, her eyes sparkling as she gazed into his own glittering blue eyes. “Ugg…” 

“Ugg…” Joker responded back with a grin. 

They went back and forth a couple of more times saying Ugg with various inflictions before they both broke down into a fit of giggles. Joker wrapped his arms tight around her and held her close, nuzzling her throat with happy chuckles. Harley hugged him back just as hard, her giggles punctuated by a softly worded, “I love you.” 

Joker purred against her ear. “Love you too pumpkin pie, I love you too.” 

* 

Later that night with the lab lights now turned low, Joker and Harley were lying on the floor of Joker’s lab, spread out on top of their clothing together, naked. Joker’s plans were spread out in front of them, several pieces of paper laid out like a fan. They rested on their stomachs in front of the papers, each with a glass of wine in hand. 

Slowly moving the wine in her glass around as she looked over the papers in front of her, Harley frowned and motioned at one sheet of paper. 

“So what are all these designs for puddin?” she asked with a lifted blonde brow. 

“Well, most of these are just me daydreaming up fun ways to kill Bats. Some are ideas for tweaking some of the formulas for the Joker gas, that one over there…” He pointed with his wine glass. “Is me just drawing you naked…” 

Harley giggled and reached for that paper grinning brighty. Joker was a really good artist, she thought, admiring how he had drawn her. She noticed a couple of the sketches had her wearing nothing but some rope. It looked like...She tilted her head and muttered, “Mm…” she smirked. 

Joker continued to tell her what was on the papers in front of them. “That one has some changes I would make to the bat costume...really needs more color, what is he anyway? Amish? Oh and those sketches over there are for gadgets…” Joker indicated several pieces of paper that were loaded with sketch work and notes. 

“Gadgets?” Harley gave Joker a little frown before taking a sip of her wine. “What kind of gadgets are you thinking about puddin? I mean, we have trick guns and flowers, funny teeth, and smiling face bombs...” 

He smiled, kicking his legs back and forth as he rested on his stomach and elbows, holding his wine glass in his hand. He reached out and pulled a couple of the papers toward them so that Harley could more easily see the sketches he had been making. 

“I was just thinking, what if we can have some toys as cool as Batman has…” He pointed at the paper and the various designs he had drawn. “A big muscle car with all the doohickies, my own batarang, or Jokerrang as the case may be…” He giggled and continued. “A grappling gun, maybe some of those pellets he uses to make smoke screens...OH! maybe a Jokerjet!? No no...even better!! The JokQuinnJet!! You know...joking...JokQuinn...” He grinned, a curl of green hair flopping down sexily across his brow. “Just think of the possibilities Harls! For every gadget Batman gets, I come up with a Joker and Harley Quinn version!” He snickered. “Oh, it’ll drive him Batty!!” 

Harley frowned slightly, looking over the designs Joker had been working on. She studied them for a few moments. He had a lot of interesting ideas jotted down, all based on something that Batman had used against them or someone they knew, each one decorated with a Joker smile or her black and red diamonds. 

Joker watched her intently, wanted to hear her opinion on the ideas he had sketched across several papers. He loved her, but also respected Harley’s opinion; she was sharp as a tack and the funniest person he knew. 

“You know puddin, I’m not an engineer, but some of these look really good.” She looked over at him, her eyes and smile bright. “I think we should do it!” 

Joker grinned with pleasure. “You really think so?” 

“Yes! Why should Batboob have all those wonderful toys to himself? We should have some of our own!” Harley giggled, bumping her bare shoulder against his. “And besides, we have plenty of henchpeople to use for test dummies!” 

Joker laughed, leaning over to clink his wine glass with hers. “So we do pumpkin, so we do!” 

They both snickered before Joker took Harley’s glass of wine and set it aside with his own. 

“I think I need to get my creative juices flowing again sweets…'' Joker purred, wagging his green brows at her before he rolled her onto her back, sliding himself between her legs. 

Harley giggled, smiling brightly. Her only reply was “Ugg.” 

* 

Over the next week and a half, Joker was busy, so busy in fact that Harley was regretting encouraging him because he had been falling asleep in the lab nearly every night. Worse still, she hadn’t gotten any nookie the entire week. 

She was about ready to set fire to the lab and demand to be fucked!! 

But instead she watched with a grumpy frown as Joker and the henchpeople had car parts brought in, all sorts of pieces of lumber, metal, explosives, paint...After a little while she realized that Joker must have tossed a hardware store...without her!! 

Growling to herself, Harley went to go pout. 

* 

One evening, wearing some pink capri sweatpants and a pink and white babydoll style t-shirt that read across her breasts in white letters: SERVICE HUMAN DO NOT PET, Harley sat cross-legged and barefoot in front of the TV watching episodes of “The Housewives of Gotham” while contemplating attacking Joker’s lab, naked and armed with silly string, when Joker came bounding into their living room. He was all smiles, dressed in bright blue slacks, orange and red suspenders, no shirt, barefoot and wearing what once was a white lab coat, now stained in bright reds, greens, and purples. He had protective goggles on his forehead and his hair was curling and wild behind the goggles holding his hair back. 

“Harley!!! Tonight is the night!!” he announced dramatically. 

“Tonight’s the night?” she asked in confusion. 

“Testing!! Time to gather the hench people and see who lives through the night!!” Joker laughed, clapping his hands before he raced over and grabbed her hands, trying to yank her off the couch. 

“Come on!!” he pleaded. “It’s time to play!!” 

Harley narrowed her eyes at him. “On one condition…” 

Joker stopped yanking at her, cocking his head to one side. “Condition?” 

“You play with me when we’re done.” Harley narrowed her eyes at him with a mischievous smile on her face. 

Joker chuckled. “Mm...you do drive a hard bargain, but...yes!! After we finish playtesting the toys, I shall playtest you…” He said ‘you’ in such a way, curling his tongue around the word that Harley felt the tickling curl between her legs like a phantom lick. 

She was so distracted that Joker easily yanked her to her feet. “Come on!! Playtesting time!!!” 

* 

Harley’s eyes widened in surprise when Joker bypassed his lab and headed into one of the large abandoned buildings that occupied most of the block that they “owned,” so to speak. The buildings were deserted and anyone who wandered inside usually didn’t wander out again. 

Harley had never been in some of the other buildings they “owned” on the property just because there was nothing interesting there, but the building that Joker yanked Harley into was huge! 

The inside of the building was more like a warehouse, a vast warehouse designed to hold Godzilla or something of that size with a ceiling high enough that any church would envy along with several small sunroofs above that let in the moonlight. She could see old metal stairways that ran around the edges, with the shadowed hints of doorways that led into other sections of the building, but this main area where Joker had dragged her to was large and open. 

Inside the vast open space Joker had divided the massive room into sections. One side had painted walls that were a bright white where she could see what looked like clear, narrow boxes, but Harley soon realized they were portable shower stalls. Weird, she thought as her gaze traveled over the rest of the room. At one side of the room was a purple spray painted 2005 Chrysler Sebring convertible, and next to it was what looked like a shooting gallery, primitive, but there were targets at the far end of the room with wooden dividers that made Harley think of a set up for games at a carnival. She saw a table that had a couple of devices on it that she didn’t quite see clearly from this distance. She had no idea what that was for, but the last thing in the large room that she noticed was that above them were several large beams that were clearly not part of the building. They had been placed above at weird angles all the way up to the roof. There were several henchpeople--

Harley counted seven--in the room waiting, all of them wearing purple, one piece uniforms, and each one had their face painted to look like clowns. 

The entire place looked like some strange obstacle course. Whatever Joker had planned it was going to be fun, Harley could tell already. 

Joker pulled Harley the rest of the way inside before throwing his free arm up into the air. “Ta-da!! I present to you the Joker and Harley Quinn Batbusting lab!! Where tonight we will be testing the newest in Joker and Harley Quinn crime causing toys!” 

Continuing to hold her hand, Joker tugged Harley along with him in his excitement. Joker, acting as tour guide, pointed over to Bob who was standing behind a large movie camera dressed in a black and tan tutu with a brown bomber jacket over the top, an old fashioned looking leather pilot's cap on his head, the goggles of which were over his eyes giving the big man a funny bug-eyed look. 

Bob saw Harley looking over at him and grinned widely at her, giving her a thumbs up. He was even wearing fingerless black flight gloves. Harley giggled and waved at Bob. 

Standing next to Bob was Archie in his regular clown costume, looking like someone had spit in his ice cream. He waved halfheartedly to Harley and grumbled, “Joker won’t let me be a volunteer.” 

Joker narrowed his eyes at Archie. “Oh stop grousing.” He giggled while Harley gave Archie a pout as Joker said loudly for Archie’s benefit. “He just makes me laugh too much, you know?” 

Harley giggled in response and shrugged at Archie. “Sorry, you make Mistah J laugh.” 

Archie groaned. “Great. I’m a funny clown…” 

Ignoring the short clown, Joker continued while pointing again at Bob. “Bob is recording everything we do tonight, so we can laugh at it again later!” Joker grinned brightly. “Oh and there is Frost doing...Frost stuff!” Joker whispered loudly so everyone could hear, but he leaned toward Harley, a hand at the side of his mouth. “He’s trying to impress his girlfriend with his manliness.” Joker emphasized the word “manliness,” but deepened his voice and flexed into several muscle displaying poses with his free arm until Harley was shaking with laughter. 

Frost, who only sighed slightly at Joker, dressed in his usual business suit with white shirt and red tie, stood with his hands crossed in front of him, one holding the wrist of the other. Harley could see his gun under his arm, ready to be used if need be. Next to Frost, sitting on a folding chair was Ecco, her hair pulled up in a messy bun, dressed in jeans and a shirt with a first aid kit at her feet. Frost’s girlfriend gave a cheerful wave to Harley who waved back. (Ecco had asked Frost earlier about the gun he was carrying since they were at the Joker’s hideout and weren’t expecting trouble, but Frost had told her the gun was for the volunteers in Joker’s gadget experiment. “Are you expecting trouble from them?” Ecco had asked in astonishment only to have Frost shake his head and murmur, “Nope, this is more for mercy killing.” Ecco had gone a little pale and didn’t ask any more questions. Frost had warned her this might get gruesome; she guessed he wasn’t kidding…) 

Joker pulled Harley’s hand to his lips and kissed her knuckles. His blue eyes were dancing with merriment before he released her and clapped his hands together excitedly, drawing everyone's attention to him. “Okay boys and girls!! Time for the rest of you to come out! It's time to play!!” 

Harley heard a door open and several henchpeople, another seven all dressed in green uniforms, came into view to join the other seven that were in purple. Harley frowned as she watched them. Only a couple of the new ones Harley recognized. It was only now that Harley noticed that all the goons were wearing black and yellow caution tape on their uniforms too, and little tape name tags on the left breast. It took Harley a moment, but her eyes widened when she realized they were all dressed like crash test dummies. 

Harley snickered. Leaning close to Joker’s ear, she whispered, “Puddin, that’s terrible.” 

Joker turned to her, his eyes bright, and grinned from ear to ear. 

“Isn’t it though?” He giggled, turning his attention to the gathered hench people and clapped his hands together to get their nervous attention. “All right boys and girls, you are the lucky ones who were volunteered to participate in this evening's testing...or thrown under the bus by your fellow goons, as the case may be…” He giggled before he continued. “Anyway...testing of my new Joker and Harley Quinn crime causing equipment...And we really need to work on the name sweets. The JHQCCE doesn’t roll off the tongue either….” He turned to Harley and made a face, sticking his tongue out. “That’s just too long a name. Batman names everything after himself, but I want our toys to reflect...well, us!” Joker gestured between them before he pursed his lips in thought. 

Harley chewed her bottom lip for a moment before she offered, “How about we call them Deadly Merriment gadgets?” 

Joker giggled pointing at her while wiggling his finger. “Oh I like that. OH wait...what about Hilarious Assault Hindrance Apparatuses!” 

“Puddin, you’re a genius!” Harley laughed with pleasure throwing her arms around his shoulders before she kissed Joker soundly. He held onto her, returning her kiss with a soft groan of pleasure. The two of them forgot completely about the fact that they were surrounded by several people, giving themselves over to enjoying their kiss. Joker reached down and grabbed her rear with one hand pulling her closer. Harley responded by lifting her leg. 

For a moment, the room filled with people and his inventions were forgotten; all Joker could focus on was Harley and her mouth. 

Frost’s lips tightened. Joker had walked Harley over to the wall (the Boss had done so without looking and hadn’t tripped over a single thing...impressive) where he was pressing her up against it, one of his legs between hers, his hand sliding up Harley’s side to her breast. Harley attacked his mouth with vigor, her teeth catching his bottom lip while giving him a steamy look from under her lashes. 

Joker made a soft growl in the back of his throat. 

Frost quickly cleared his throat and asked loudly, hoping to keep this thing from going off the rails too soon. “Boss? Do you still want to test the gadgets?” 

Joker didn’t answer for a moment. He had his mouth against Harley’s throat, a hand on one of her breasts. Squeezing her breast, Joker dragged his tongue along her pulse before he hissed against her ear. “We should pick this up later sweets…” 

Harley, her hands gripping his ass, sighed. “I suppose you’re right puddin.” 

Joker pulled back, releasing her reluctantly. Grinning at her, his eyes dancing with mischief. He reached down to adjust his slacks with a smirk at Harley before he pulled his jacket forward and buttoned it in an attempt to hide how excited his wife made him before turned around to face the rest of the room who were either watching the two of them, or looking anywhere but at the two clowns who had been making out only moments ago. 

“Okie dokie boys and girls, first we are going to try out the smoke pellets! Batman’s favorite and most annoying toy.” Joker stuck a forefinger on either side of his head before making his voice deep and gruff. “Oh look at me, I’m a ninja! You will listen to me. I'm BatNinja making myself disappear with smoke. OOoo!! Scary!” 

Joker pitched his voice high and batted his eyelashes. “Oh Batninja, save me!!” 

Harley snickered, putting a hand over her mouth. 

Joker dropped his fingers, grumbling. “Anyway, I’ve made some of my own versions of Batman’s smoke pellets! So,who wants to give them a whirl?” Joker looked around expectantly. 

Every single hand of the “volunteers” went up. Harley pressed her lips together to suppress a laugh. They probably thought this was safe. Well, if she knew her puddin--which she did--they were probably in for a surprise. 

Joker beamed with pleasure, clapping his hands and jumping around with joy. “Now that is the kind of enthusiasm I like to see!” Joker cheered. “That getupandgo attitude!! Okay...let’s see who are going to be my lucky ninjas…” Joker walked over to a group of henchpeople, one long finger against his lips. He stopped and glanced over at Harley. “Well, what are you doing over there poo?” 

Harley giggled. “Sorry!” She hurried over to stand beside Joker as he began to walk down the line of henchpeople tapping one gloved finger to his lips. “Let’s see you, you…” He looked at his wife. “Harley. You want to pick a couple?” 

Harley nodded and pointed at random. “How about you...and lastly you...” 

Together they had pointed at three men and one woman, two wearing purple who looked vaguely familiar, and two wearing green. Harley didn’t catch the names on their name tags, nor did she know any of them by sight--not that it really mattered if she did or not, she was certain. Pressing her lips together, Harley waited as Joker motioned for the rest of the volunteers to step back behind Bob and his camera. 

Archie muttered watching as Joker moved the four volunteers to the far end of the room where the plastic boxes waited. Joker looked over his shoulder, narrowing his eyes at Archie as if he had heard the short depressed clown. 

Harley came over to stand with Bob and Archie, bouncing on her feet, her hands behind her back. “This is going to be fun!” She giggled and glanced at the two men. 

Archie just grumbled and chewed on the end of his unlit cigar (Joker had recommended he not light it while in the testing area, going so far as to take the matches away from the short man.) 

“Lucky bastards,” Archie grumbled. 

Harley giggled and patted Archie’s shoulder. “I’m sure Mistah J will get tired of you eventually and then he’ll kill you.” 

“Promises, promises,” Archie muttered while they watched Joker. 

Joker led the four picks over to the four shower stall-like compartments he had set up against a white wall. 

“All right, each of you get in one of those please…” Joker motioned toward the contained little rooms, but one of the men, a short man with badly dyed orange and green hair that had faded to something greyish brown asked with a highly whiny voice. “Why do we have to go in those?” 

Joker, who had started to shove his hands into the pockets of his slacks, stopped walking. His blue eyes widened slowly and the look on his face clearly stated that Joker was not accustomed to being talked back to. 

“What?” he asked, his voice incredulous. 

“Why do we gotta go in these stalls?” the man asked again. 

Joker blinked, then smiled, but Harley could see that Joker wasn’t happy. “Because I said so,” Joker replied, but the man opened his mouth to protest. “I just want to know why…” 

Joker moved quickly, too quickly for Harley or the other assembled people to follow. One second he had been shoving his hands into his pockets, the next he had pulled out a switched blade and sliced open the throat of the man in front of him. 

Joker nimbly stepped out of the way as the man grabbed at his throat. He mouthed silently for a few seconds, his jaw working up and down, before his throat opened up completely and dark red blood poured down his front in a thick, viscous sheet. The man fell to his knees, then fell face first down in front of the stall, a quickly spreading pool of dark red blood flowing from under him. 

Joker groaned loudly, throwing his hands in the air in exasperation as he looked down at the dead man. “Why is good help so hard to find??” 

He glanced over at the other henchpeople then at Harley. “Pumpkin, can you pick another one please?” 

“Sure thing puddin!” Harley giggled and pranced over to the now cowering henchpeople and grabbed one of the green ones since the dead man had been wearing green. (Ecco blinked in surprise. She had beene expecting something violent, but it still had caught her off guard how fast it had happened. Frost leaned down. “Do you want to go?” 

Ecco shook her head, finding herself not as bothered by the violence as she probably should have been and knowing there was going to be more tonight. “Nope, I’m fine.” She smiled at Frost who blushed, smiling with pride. She was definitely the girl for him he thought as he straightened back up.) 

“Now we don’t have fourteen puddin,” Harley said as she brought the new guy over who was almost as pale of Joker himself, his eyes as wide as saucers. She carefully danced around the blood, the guy with her yelping when he almost stepped in the dark, sticky puddle. 

“I know sweets, but…” Joker shrugged as he pushed the man into the stall, the other three quickly getting into their own stalls without a word. “...we have to work with what we got.” 

Harley nodded sadly. “I suppose so.” 

Joker turned his attention to the other volunteers, his expression clearly stating he would not be happy if anyone else spoke up. “All right, now if no one else has any questions…” 

He looked at each of the volunteers, but everyone wisely remained silent. “Good.” Joker beamed and pulled out from his pockets what he had originally been searching for...four round pellets, each a little smaller than a squash ball; two were purple and two were green. He grinned proudly showing them off to Harley before turning his attention to his volunteers. 

“Okay kiddies…” Joker walked down the line handing the person inside each stall a ball before he shut and locked the door with a padlock (if he noticed the panicked look on his volunteers’ faces when he padlocked them in, Joker didn’t give any indication.) “When I tell you to, you are to throw the balls down with all your strength. Got it?” 

Everyone inside the stalls nodded. 

“Don’t do it until I tell you!” Joker ordered before he grabbed Harley’s hand and they raced down to Bob and his camera, taking up a position in front of said camera. 

Joker grinned at Bob. “You ready?” 

Bob nodded with a smile and gave the clown a thumbs up. 

“Roll!!” Joker yelled. 

Bob gave the thumbs up as Joker focused his attention on the camera. “Tonight is the first test of the Hilarious Assault Hindrance Apparatuses!” 

Harley clapped as did Archie, Frost, and Bob, though no one else made a sound. 

Joker glanced over at the volunteers and threw his hands into the air in annoyance. “Applause?” 

They broke out into nervous applause. 

Joker and Harley smiled together and turned back to the camera. “And now...the smoke pellets!” Joker announced stepping out of the way, taking Harley with him. 

They moved behind the camera and Joker yelled. “Okay, throw ‘em down!!” 

The four volunteers in the stalls all threw their pellets down at once and just like Batman’s pellets, the little balls burst into smoke. Almost the moment the smoke started to rise, so did the screams. Everyone watched as the smoke that rose up in vibrant greens and vivid purples engulfed the volunteers. The screaming became higher in pitch followed by something splatting against the clear plastic wall of one stall. The could all see something wet and gooey hit the clear stall wall and slowly slide down leaving gory, red streaks behind. More splatters occurred in the other three stalls. 

The remaining volunteers all started to scream. 

Joker yelled. “QUIET!!” 

All of them snapped their mouths shut, though there was some whimpering. 

Harley watched the gas in the stalls dissolved the volunteers, her mouth open while Joker motioned at Bob excitedly. “Close in!! Close in!! I need a close up!!” 

Harley elbowed Joker in the side. “Puddin, those aren't smoke pellets!” She accused him, but there was a grin tugging at the corners of her mouth. 

Joker winced from her elbow punches, then laughed. “‘Course not pumpkin. I don’t need to run away like certain flying rats...these are dissolving pellets.” He waggled his eyebrows at her. “To dissolve our problems.” 

Harley giggled and tilted her head to the side. She still couldn’t see clearly into the stalls. The smoke was still pretty thick, but the screaming had ceased and there didn’t seem to be anyone standing in the stalls any longer. “Well, I guess those worked well then,” she said with a grin. 

Joker nodded proudly. “Oh, I can’t wait to try those on Gotham PD...though they might work too well...I’ll have to save those. If I kill the entire police force we won’t have anyone to play with! Okay--NEXT!!” He turned to the volunteers cowering against the wall where Frost had moved, now holding his gun out at his side. 

“Okay, I need four volunteers to try out the Joker- and Harleyrangs,” Joker said with a smile. 

“You made Harleyrangs?” Harley danced to Joker’s side and leaned on his shoulder to kiss his ear. 

Joker grinned. “Of course I did sweets! Everything I have, you have my pumpkin poo!” 

Harley giggled and swooned a bit. “You are always so romantic puddin.” 

Pulling her close to him, his arm going around her waist, Joker nibbled her ear. “Being romantic for you is easy my sweets.” 

He pressed a kiss to her cheek before turning his attention back to the volunteers. “Anyone?” 

Two greens and two purples stepped forward, all of them shaking. 

Joker motioned to them. “Follow me…” 

He took them over to the makeshift shooting range. When they all arrived (Bob following with the camera), they saw that there were only two sets of boomerang style weapons set out, two that were painted red and black and two painted green and purple. They were shaped like Batman’s batarangs, but these had smiling faces painted on them along with the colors. 

Joker let Harley go and stepped over. “All right, I need one volunteer here with weapons and the other two…” Joker pointed at the end of the makeshift shooting range. “The other two get to be the targets!” 

The four volunteers all exchanged confused and terrified looks among themselves, though none of them moved. 

Joker pursed his lips. “Look, we need moving targets…” He frowned watching the four people looking nervously at each other. “You have one second to decide who is going to be the target or…” He growled. 

There was a brief scramble, but both the greens ended up being shoved down toward the targets while the two purples grabbed up the weapons. 

Joker grinned excitedly. “Okay Harls, watch this…it’s so exciting!!” Joker wiggled with anticipation. “Okay!! Push the button in the middle when you’re ready to throw...not before…” He stressed the last bit. 

That was the moment one of the purples, a young man who looked as if he had snorted one too many drugs, looked down at the Harleyrang in his hands. “It’s starting to make a giggle sound…” He never finished what he was going to say because the Harleyrang, along with him, exploded in a burst of bright red light and blood, leaving only his legs upright. 

Every one of the volunteers screamed. 

Ecco yelped in surprise, jumping in her seat. 

Archie muttered around his cigar. “God damn it.” 

The woman in purple who had been next to the now exploded man, screamed loudly, her face and clothing covered in blood. Her scream pitched higher when the legs, that had been standing up straight for a few seconds, fell over. 

Joker put his hands around his mouth and yelled at the volunteers at the shooting range. “PRESS THE BUTTON WHEN YOU THROW!! NOT BEFORE!!” 

He turned to frown with Harley. “Wasn’t I clear before?” 

“You were perfectly clear puddin,” Harley said with a firm nod. 

Joker sighed and stomped his foot. “Why are they making this so difficult?” Joker pointed at the screaming woman. “Will someone shut her up so I can think!!” 

Frost pulled his gun and shot the screaming woman, silencing her. The rest of the volunteers returned to whimpering and cowering, but being mostly quiet. 

Harley wrapped her arms around his waist from behind and kissed the back of his ear while snuggling him. “Well look at it this way: you know they work puddin.” 

Joker smiled leaning into Harley. “Well I suppose you’re right, maybe we should move on to the Joker and Harley grappling guns?” 

Harley nodded nuzzling up against his back. “I think that’s a good idea puddin, before we run out of volunteers.” 

Joker nodded and whispered. “I knew I should have gotten more.” He turned back to his remaining goons. “Okay everyone...you two…” He pointed at the two greens who were to be targets of the Jokerrangs. “You both get to help with the grappling guns!” He motioned them over with a big smile as Harley stepped away from him. 

Neither person looked as excited as Joker, but when they didn’t move right away Joker’s smile started to falter, his eyes narrowing. “I said: you both get to help with the grappling guns…” He smiled a little wider. “That means come over here…” He pointed to a table where Harley could see two objects were lying that she supposed must be the grappling guns. 

One of them, a man with eyes too big for his head, shook his head vigorously. “No, no, I would rather be shot!” 

Joker groaned and rolled his eyes in exasperation. “Fine!” He shouted and smoothly pulled out his gun from the holster hidden by his clothing, and shot the bug-eyed man in the forehead. Then, because he was still angry, Joker shot the other green jumpsuited goon next to him for good measure. 

Joker looked angrily at the remaining henchpeople, motioning with his gun. “Anyone else wanna argue with me right now because this is supposed to be fun, but the lot of you and your constant questioning of me or refusing to do what I want is really getting on my nerves!” Joker stomped his foot to emphasize his annoyance. 

Harley purred reaching up to brush her fingers along his hair and over his ear. “Shhh...calm down puddin...it’s all right…” 

Joker stuck his bottom lip out at Harley. “It’s not all right, poo bear! They keep making this not fun.” 

Harley cooed softly and put her arms around his waist and sweetly kissed his jutting lip, followed by planting kisses at the corner of his mouth. “Come on puddin, don’t let a few bad apples spoil everything. I want to see the grappling guns and then I really wanna see what you have planned for the car.” She gave him her biggest smile. 

Joker continued to pout, but he glanced sideways at her. “You mean it pumpkin?” 

“Of course I mean it puddin. Don’t you worry about those stupid old goons…” She glanced at the remaining, cowering henchpeople. “I want to see the toys you made and then afterwards…” She leaned close to his ear and whispered, “I want you to grab my hair and fuck me like an animal…” 

Joker’s expression went from pouting to a slightly goofy grin while lifting his green eyebrows. “Really?” 

Harley licked his ear and whispered softly, her warm breath raising goosebumps over his pale skin. “I want to feel your cock inside me while you pound me into the floor.” She leaned back to smile at him impishly before she added, “Maybe we can play this new game I heard about online. It’s called, find the honey. I put a spot of honey somewhere on my body and you have to find it with your tongue, while blindfolded.” Harley licked her lips slowly and gave Joker a steamy look. 

Joker chuckled with a wide smile. “Well, I do like new games…” he said thoughtfully. “And that thought does put a smile on my face, you dirty little minx.” He reached up and lightly booped her nose before he turned and pointed at two of the cowering volunteers, a man and a tall woman both wearing purple. “You two--over here. Follow me.” 

Reluctantly the two separated from their dwindling group and walked over, both pale with terror. The man exuded a faint urine smell. 

Joker led them over to the table with the two objects that Harley had seen earlier. Now that they were close, she could see that they resembled Batman’s grappling gun. One was painted red and black, the other purple and green, which made Harley feel all giddy inside that no matter what, her puddin was always thinking about her. Except for the color, the grappling guns looked exactly like Batman’s grappling guns with maybe a few minor differences that looked to be mostly cosmetic. 

Joker clapped his hands together. “Okay, I want you each to grab one, aim and fire! That’s it, you should be able to make it to one of the beams above easily. I want you both to climb to the tippy top beams with these babies...any questions?” The way he asked ‘any questions’ was a clear indication that Joker was not in the mood to answer any questions. 

The woman quickly grabbed up the Harley Quinn grappling gun and aimed it at the beam above her. The three pronged hook shot out, pulling a thick nylon rope with it. The hook wrapped three times in quick succession around the beam before hauling the woman off her feet. The woman let out a squawk of surprise, but she held onto the grappling gun’s handle, though when she reached the beam she barely missed cracking her head against it and instead cracked her shoulder. Still Harley was impressed. The woman held on and with a bit of work got herself up and over the beam. 

She was breathing hard by the time she was done, but she waved down at them, grinning. 

Joker squealed with delight. “Look Harley, it worked!!” He turned his attention to the other volunteer. “Okay slowpoke, your turn.” 

The man now looked less fearful as he picked up the Joker grappling gun. He turned and aimed his up at one of the beams and fired. Like the woman, the man was yanked off his feet once the hook had wrapped the sturdy rope around the beam just a little higher than hers, but unlike her he didn’t adjust himself in time and his head cracked against the beam hard enough that everyone below heard the loud thonk of impact followed by the man losing his grip on the gun. 

He came tumbling down through the air with enough time to let out a fearful shout and smashed into the concrete floor with another loud thunk. He didn’t move. 

Everyone stood still, watching, but the man didn’t move. 

Harley frowned, then said into the silence. “Oops.” 

Joker chuckled, glancing at Frost and Ecco. “Ecco dear, do you mind?” He motioned at the man. Ecco smiled, hopping to her feet. “Of course not!” She rushed over dropping to her knees, her first aid kit in her hand before she frowned looking over at Joker and shook her head. “Sorry, but he’s dead.” 

Joker pursed his lips. “Well damn...okay...can I get a couple of you volunteers to move him out of the way? Just put him over there with that set of legs for now…” Joker motioned to the shooting range and the remains of the man from the exploding Harleyrang. 

Harley looked up to the woman sitting on the beam overhead. “Keep going!!” she shouted at her. 

The woman pressed her lips together looking nervous, but determined. She unwrapped the hook from the beam before standing slowly. For the next several minutes everyone watched as she used the grappling gun to climb up to the tallest beam. 

Harley frowned as the woman looked down at them. It was hard to see her expression from this distance, but Harley assumed she might be a tiny bit upset. “So how are we going to get her down?” 

Joker frowned too as he looked up. “You know, I didn’t think that far ahead…” He glanced sideways at Harley and made a grimace with his eyes, dancing with laughter before he turned his attention back to the woman above them. He cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted up at her. “Just sit still and we’ll figure out how to get you down later!” 

He didn’t wait to see if the woman answered him or understood before he was turning his attention away from her. 

Joker wiggled with excitement. “Oooh, now the part I’ve been really waiting for! The car!!” He grabbed Harley’s hand and ran across the room with her to stand beside the purple spray painted 2005 Chrysler Sebring convertible. 

“Now this…” He grinned at Harley as he gestured at the car with his free hand in grand fashion. “This is the prototype of a Joker and Harleymobile…” He bit his bottom lip, grinning brightly. “I’ve installed ejector seats, it can fire eight different projectiles!! I’ve installed deadly fireworks that explode into bright colors, but when they fall they set fires!! The car can also fire off clouds of laughing gas that causes anyone caught in it to die laughing, there is a riot suppressor that stops the unfunny masses by knocking holes through people. Let’s see…” He tapped his chin. “Oh, I also put in a concussive sonic blast like old Batsy used on us that one time, you remember Harls…” Joker looked over at his lady love who nodded, looking a little sour at the memory. “Oh I remember…” she muttered. 

“Anyway, I haven't tested anything yet, but tonight we are going to test the ejection seats!” Joker looked excited before he spun around and motioned to the three remaining henchpeople. 

He frowned looking at them. “Boy, we went through those fast tonight…” he muttered quietly, glancing at Harley who shrugged. 

“It happens sometimes puddin.” 

He nodded. “Yeah I suppose.” He turned his attention back to the remaining three. “Okay, I need one green...oh there’s only one of you left...huh…” He shrugged and continued. “And one purple.” He looked at the two remaining purple wearing goons. One was a large woman who looked like she could easily pound someone with her fists, the other a short man, but skinny as a rail. Joker frowned then pointed at them going back and forth. “Eeny, meeny, miny moe, catch a Batman by the toe, if he hollers give him a good kick in the balls, eeny meeny, miny, moe…” His finger landed on the skinny man, the one Joker had actually been hoping for because the man was small and lightweight, which meant he would fly better. 

Joker motioned the man over. “Okay string bean, you’re it! Come on down!” 

The man looked nervously over at the woman next to him who shrugged before he came over to join the other man in green who looked fairly stout. 

“All right boys, each of you take a seat in the front.” Joker brought Harley’s hand up to kiss her knuckles while he spoke. “Now I want to put ejection seats in the back too, since you and I don’t usually drive, but for this demonstration we’re just gonna focus on the front seats, like Batman’s car.” He watched as the two men slid into the seat, the stouter guy behind the wheel while the skinny guy took the passenger seat. Joker dropped Harley’s hand to come over and lean into the car. “Okay my darlings, the only button you need to touch is the red one right here…” He pointed to a very large red button in the center of the dashboard. The large red button was surprised by other large red buttons. Joker grinned. “I do like red buttons you know, they just look like they are full of surprises.” He winked at the men. “Anyway, this one in the middle…” His finger hovered over the button. “...that’s the one for the ejection seats. Now it should activate them both. This button…” 

He pointed to one on the left. “...is only for the driver and this one…” He pointed to one on the right. “This one is only for the passenger, you know, just in case one of you needs to go while the other stays…” 

“Shouldn’t these be marked?” asked the stouter man behind the wheel, though his voice sounded small. 

Joker started to laugh, grasping the man’s shoulder, while the man’s face went pale. “Oh my dear, you are so funny. Now where would be the fun in that? The fun is not knowing which button does what! It’s a surprise, really!” Joker smiled turning around now to face the camera as he spoke. 

“Okay, let’s see how this ejection seat test goes!!!” 

Taking Harley’s hand again Joker yanked her with him causing Harley to giggle as he moved behind the camera. Once there he turned around. “Okay boys, whenever you’re ready…” 

The two men in the car exchanged a look, but the stout man lunged and hit a button. Harley didn’t know if the man thought he was going to eject his counterpart, but either way he was ejected. Everyone watched as the man was launched from the driver's seat with a loud boing sound that made Harley giggle with delight, but that silly sound was accompanied by a loud cracking sound that Harley figured had to be the man’s knees because he let out a blood curdling yell. When everyone looked up to watch him fly into the air, his legs didn’t look right Harley thought, like they were weirdly loose around the knees. She supposed he hit them on the steering wheel on the way out of the car. 

The ejected man’s screams were cut off as he slammed into one of the beams overhead with a loud, deep thonk that left his head at a weird angle. The man’s body, either dead or unconscious, was ricocheted back down where he hit one of the metal rails on the stairs before bouncing again and hitting another rafter. The woman stranded up in the rafts yelped, yanking her legs out of the way while the stout man’s body acted like a pinball until finally, his momentum slowed and he dropped like a lead ball and smashed into the concrete floor. 

Joker blinked for a few moments in shocked surprise, his blue eyes wide before he burst into laughter. 

Harley had sucked in her bottom lip to stop herself from laughing as the man’s body was thrown around like a ragdoll, bursting into laughter with her husband. The two of them were in tears, laughing and leaning on each other until they both had to grab their sides bending over to try to breathe. 

The other man still sitting in the car had wet himself. 

Joker snickered, wiping his eyes. “Okay, that was incredible...I think we’re done for the night.” He gave his wife a sly look, giggling as he smiled. “So, are you still interested in playing find the honey sweets?” 

Harley took his hand in hers and began to march out of the warehouse without a word. Joker giggled and turned to wave at the remaining two henchpeople and the remains of his crew. “Okay my darlings, we’re done for the night!!! Thanks!!!” he called before he disappeared through the door with Harley. 

Frost sighed then snapped his fingers at the last two henchpeople. “Well I guess you two are the clean up crew now.” 

Archie sighed looking dejected. “ Always a bridesmaid, never the bride…”


End file.
